Dark Light, 8.10.2007

The most common and well known understanding among the Christians is, that God is an active creator, loving father who wants to communicate with us. But does God have to talk to us, and does he have to talk to us the way we think he should talk to us?

Silence is one form of communication. Bible gives us numerous accounts of painful human experience about God not answering. It is not uncommon for a Christian to experience a period of spiritual dryness. However, what I have in my mind now is still something else than that: what if God chooses to send you to a road which is permanently characterized by such attributes as silence and absence?

Some Christians very rarely get any concrete prayer answers. Some people have great difficulties hearing about other people’s positive spiritual experiences. They may not bother very deeply when things are otherwise all right – until one is taken to a place where suddenly everything is lost and gone, and life is in pieces – and same thing repeats itself: the things just don’t come together no matter how fiercly you pray. You are still left without God’s help, but this is not a game any more, this is something very serious. At those times, it is impossible to relate to that biblical image of active, communicating God. It is also impossible to get any help or consolation from other people’s experience about active God. God is not the one you can love easily any more, he is not the one who pours out his gifts for you, he is not the loving father you used to know. God has become an enemy to you.

We can endure and survive anything if only we have the experience that God is with us in our pain, that he is carrying us through it all. The hell breaks lose, when God leaves us alone in the suffering, and that can happen, too.

This is a very important, and very genuine and divine experience of God. In all this, it can be so, that we have just begun traveling on the road towards silent God, but this road is a place where we are invited to let it go. On this road, we are invited to let go our false image of God, that small God whom we think must talk to us, whom we cen define easily, who is predictable and whom we can manipulate through our prayers. This is a painful road towards something else, and it is a road where we are taken away our understanding of God – but here comes the miracle: when our image or understanding of God is taken away and wiped off, it somehow strangely does not rob our faith to God. When we have been made to give up our false image of God – when we are taken to place where we are asked to become non-believers – then two things happen: firstly, we come to realise how restricted and narrow our image of God has been. The picture of active, communicating, succesful, healing God probably does not reflect all the aspects of God who truly exists. Secondly, this painful experience does not only make us thoroughly naked first, but it will teach us to know a different kind, great yet mysterious God. Losing faith can renew the faith.

In Christian tradition, there are two spiritual roads: via positiva, the positive road, and via negativa, the negative road. If I simplify it: via positiva is the road where we travel together with loving, active, powerful and communicative God, whose presence is experienced as comforting and very real. People who travel on via positiva, are somehow very lucky ones. But via negative represents God whose presence is sensed as non-presence, and whose voice is heard as a silence. God has laid his hand on your head but it is a heavy, silent and crushing hand, not comforting nor seemingly blessing.

Via negativa is not very much know among Christians. We very rarely describe God as Silence, we are much more familiar with words such as a Shepherd, Father, King, Healer and Redeemer. They are all expressions that belong to via positiva, but to someone who has been taken to travel on via negativa, they seem and they feel quite remote, empty and cold. Christians in general have more or less neglected via negativa, or have never even known about it in the first place. We have not dared to build our theology or spirituality on God’s silence – that is perhaps because number of great spiritual teachers such as John of the Cross have had the opinion that via negativa is a secret, and most of us are meant to travel on via positiva. And those who are meant to travel via negativa, but are mistakenly directed to via positiva, always feel somehow odd and never really figure out why is it that I never feel easy when people talk about how God answers to them. It is not uncommon that in those situations, people blame the weakness of their faith when failing to encounter an active God, when as a matter of fact they should have been told that perhaps you are meant for via negativa, not via positiva. And it definitely is not about the quantity of faith that is the issue here.

Suffering, lack of love of God, his absence etc may be the indicators that we are being directed to via negativa. Noboby wants to suffer, nor does God want us to suffer, nor does he cause our sufferings. Suffering does not make us any better nor noble, it does not even necessarily teach us anything. Suffering in general is a consequence of fall of sin when the creation was still new, and there is nothing noble in it. Suffering is simply horrible, but it belongs to the world and it belongs to us.

Suffering can, however, lead us towards a more prayerful life – but what does God do to turn suffering into grace? What does he do to help us? Now comes the hard part: he continues being silent, and that is the whole point in this: if he came to resque us immediately, it would of course take the suffering away – no, he does not do it, but he continues being silent in order suffering to be suffering.

God is silent, does not respond. We are rejected, thoroughly hopeless and we have no prayer left. We rebel, in case there is any energy left for that. Doesn´t he care for me any more? The stronger our faith in him has been, the more devastating is our disappointment. The next challenge is to give up all the expectations and demands, that God should help us. We simply must stop demanding nor expecting anything from him. And then, only then, things start to change: God’s silence starts talking to us. Little by little, silence becomes meaningful. Step by step, God embraces our wounded hearts and broken souls - and silence which was so devastating, becomes filled by grace. There´s still no words nor replies nor prayer answers, but there’s a silence that is not crushing any more but healing. We get a notion that through pain and sorrow we are about to enter into the deepest secret of God’s love, the miracle of Easter morning. We begin to trust God, only because he is who he is, and our relationship to him gets built on the faith that he has granted to us – it is not built on some image of him we have developed – because that was taken away already.

Via negativa is a road where we are called to let it go all the time – to let go also all those expectations we have towards God. Our fault often is that we love gifts more the we love the Giver. Via negativa takes away everything else and leaves only God. Via negativa cleanses our prayer. As John of the Cross says: to own everything, your must lose everything. To become saved, you need to die first – and this is really hard for us to accept both in our own case or in someone else’s case. If someone has the experience that God does not talk, it is not a fault, it is not a deficiency nor sin, and it does not indicate lack of faith. If we see it happening around ourselves, in other people, we must not try to fix it. We simply have to resepct the fact that someone is being directed towards via negativa. It is a holy road.

White Light 1.10.2007

White Light, 1.10.2007

When I wake up on Sunday mornings, I wake up into white light. Firstly, because on Sundays we can sleep in and day is already there when I open my eyes. Secondly, our bedroom is all white: white curtains, white carpets, white tablecloths, white mosquito net, white beddings. It is exactly as I want it to be. And when we have three large windows, nearly 7 meters of them altogether, you can´t stop the sunlight from pouring in with its all potential. Light and sun is never the same in Finland as it is here.

Sleeping in a white bedroom and waking up in a white light is not only what I want, but is also what I need. I am a notorious dreamer: my nightlife is often so wild, actionful, sometimes so dark that it gets nearly morbid, at times exhausting and awful – as if all my inner life is put on display in my nightly dreams. And of course this is excatly what it is – whatever happened the previous day, whatever problems I am having, whatever plans or happenings are there, I repeat or pre-live that all in my dreams. Nightmares – just name the genre, I know it.

I thirst for light. It seems only in Africa I can have it enough. When my inner world is dark, the outer world and all its light keeps me alive and breathing. Sometimes the rays of light come unexpectedly. One of those rare moments I experienced one day last week. I was busy and also to some extend burdened by the coming management team meeting, by my coming travel to Ilembula, not the mention sorting out the theft of our luggage in Dar es Salaam port. In one instant, I just felt huge happiness and gratitude for all this: that I can live here, work here, even sense the burden of work and all other problems that are so inevitable here. The short experience of light, lightness and gratitude was overwhelming and left me longing for more.

Days In Iringa 17.8.2007

Dear friends. In spite of of long silence, I still exist, so does the family, and all is fine. We arrived in Dar es Salaam at the end of June, then drove to hometown Iringa and took the first week or two to start a home again. Then followed four weeks at Riverside Campsite language training course. It was such a good opportunity to get some more practise in Kiswahili. I have to say it was high time to learn some more modern msamiati (vocabulary), e.g. one can not manage every day life any more without barua pepe (email).

I have started my new job, mostly trying to create the needed management routines and re-establish myself at university where I was given a new, spacious office. That I am very grateful about. The next challenge would be to learn to work there and not to bring work to home as I have done all my life - I wonder if that is even possible.

Girls have also updated their former friendships here. The very first weeks were not easy to Pihla, since all her friends were on holiday and traveling, and we found Iringa rather empty and quiet. I could tell she was missing back to Finland a lot. It broke my heart to notice the absence of joy and laughter in her life those days. Everyone who knows Pihla can tell she is always joking ang laughing: that was missing. Now I have seen the spark in her eyes again. Kaisli on the other hand seemed to find her “another me” here: more relaxed, more into books, more into being on her own, not spending all the time in the internet or sending text messages… there we have a child to whom Africa does only good. We all are expecting to have our first weekend campout somewhere in the bush, that is something we have missed a lot.

We also have a new family member, a kitten called Cookie. I have to admit she has become a real indoor pet, who even was allowed to travel with us to Dar es Salaam last week. She has a crush on Jyri: one morning when she noticed we were waking up, she jumped into our bed, completely ignored me and walked over me, put herself at front of Jyri’s face, patted him gently, kissed him, stretched herself carefully and started purring. That I would called shameless flirting!

Weather is getting warmer and warmer every day. Roses are so beautiful in the garden: some pink ones are as big as an adult’s fist. Every week I buy two large bunches of lilies from nearby flower garden – one white and one red to bring some colour and beauty in our sitting room. That luxury is not easily affordable in Finland, but here practically free of charge. Another delight is the vegetable and fruit market in town. As you notice, I have allowed myself to enjoy fully the best Tanzania can offer: ukarimu (hospitality) of people, nature’s richness and beauty, sun and warmth. We were also reminded of the darker side of this country, when Kaisli´s mobile phone was stolen – the real miracle was to get it back next week! I have never heard of any case when one would get a stolen phone back. I still find it hard to believe – but as we should already know, Tanzania is full of surprises.

Kaikuja (13.6.2007)

Vanha talo huokaa yksinäisyyttään. Taas hänet on riisuttu vaatteistaan, tavaroistaan ja ihmisistään. Vain kaiut jäivät jäljelle. Mitä taas tapahtui, minne katosi kaksi vuotta? Nyt seinät ovat yhtä paljaat kuin silloin kun tulimme. Vanha sireeni levittää tuoksuaan puutarhassa, omenapuun oksat nyökyttelevät väsyneesti, kesän ensimmäiset liljat päättivät hyvästellä lähtijät ainoalla osaamallaan tavalla. Menen ja tulen, pakkaan ja siivoan, käyn muistilistaa läpi, huokaan monennenko kerran. Kaisli katselee kauas pois, Pihla suoraan läpi. En kykenisi vastaamaan heille, miksi taas teemme tätä. Eivät he edes kysy. Lapset tekevät lähtöä mummulaan, käyvät viimeisen kerran pitkäkseen vuoteilleen halaamaan ja hyvästelemään sänkynsä. Pidän itseni kiireisenä ja tehokkaana, silti tunnen kuinka jotain painavaa kertyy koko ajan sisälleni, sitä joka on se kaikkein raskain matkatavarani.

Handbag and Other Presents 22.5.2007

Sorry for the long silence in the blogworld – but definitely it has not been silent in the actual world. After Jyri´s last exam, we put the high gear on. He is now driving to Hyrynsalmi, car packed with… who knows what! I have shoveled the books into boxes and should be carrying them to attic. Much harder than any workout. Yesterday we went to our first visit to Eno congregation, 35 km from Joensuu. As some of you may know, our work is supported by Finnish congregations, who channel the support through FELM, our mission agency in Helsinki. We have 5 congregations which is the normal number: Mellunkylä in Helsinki, Kuopio Cathedral, Nilsiä, Hyrynsalmi and Eno. We were welcomed so warmly last night, and came home with bags full of presents, pastries, cloudberries and so. I even got a new Marimekko handbag! I felt so spoiled, somehow even ashamed: we have done nothing to deserve this. And how did they know that I am almost obsessed with handbags and Marimekko. (For my friends in Iringa who know about this: Marimekko manufactures also handbags in olive green safari style! Guess who has one.)

It is known all over the Finland, that people in Carelia is so hospitable – it has become even a stereotype in people´s minds, but it is true! Similar hospitality we have enjoyed in all of our congregations, and it always takes me by surprise. I try to think this is not me or us personally, it is for the work, for Africa, for all this, the larger picture. I feel humble, grateful – I really do, I don´t say this to sound spiritually correct. Thank you so much.

I have had really heavy heart about Pihla. She suddenly turned strongly against our moving to Tanzania. She was okay with it, even eager – and some weeks or couple of months ago she told us this is not a good thing. It has been like a dark cloud hanging there and it has made all the preparations so much harder. Kaisli is returning to Tanzania in her very straightforward style, but Pihla is not. It came to me so strongly yesterday, when I was doing the packing and emptying the bookshelf, and was wondering what she would say when she returns from school and everyhing looks so empty. But to my big surprise: nothing bad happened, no protest, no crying – and instead of that, she became rather impatient and declared that I too want to pack up my toys and books, can we do it now, mom? Also she started having daydreams about going shopping in Iringa (!), going to those little duka´s which are a perfect opposite to every shopping center in Finland… Everything suddenly looked different to her, and I felt like a heavy burden was taken away – all is going to be fine, we survive this moving, we will be happy in Africa again, we don´t need to worry.

Blue barrels (3.5.2007)

I had to take a couple of weeks off from work to start packing up the home. I have finished two barrels by now (120 liters each), it is quite amazing how quickly they are full even if we are as selective as possible. I have quite a clear picture of what we need and what we don´t need out there in Africa, so I don´t have to waste energy of thinking of that – but physically it is really exhausting. I have been running from the basement to the first and second floors and back countless of times, pulled and pushed heavy luggage here and there, broken my nails and get covered by dust – now I just had to put stop to that and shovel things out of sight and decide to continue some other day. I want our home to look like a normal house as long as possible - seeing those blue barrels is an unavoidable reminder about what will soon happen. We have two large wooden boxes and as many as 13 barrels of three different sizes, but I don´t think we need all of them this time. They have served us faithfully and followed as to Tanzania, back to Finland and now they are on duty again. They get more and more battered each time, have an old address covered by paint and new one written once again. No wonder they look rather pitiful by now. They don´t complain, even if they are then forgotten in some attic or cellar for many years before they are needed again.

Jyri has one more exam left for this spring and that keeps him occupied while I am doing all this. Kaisli had her 12th birthday party yesterday, she invited some friends for home-made pizza and cake and then Jyri drove them to movies to see how Mr Bean manages his holiday. Pihla will have her 8th birthday next week, which means another party, this time for about 10 little girls. Kaisli has promised to organize some activities and plays which she is very good at. June is a really busy month in terms of birthdays: my sister, brother, nephew, goddaughter and myself all have our birthdays in June, as well as my parents anniversary – and five of them within four days!

In Search of Happiness (2.5.2007)

Youth is often envied. But the truth is that when you are young and growing, it mostly means clumsiness, akwardness and being more or less lost all the time. The only reason to envy youth is maybe the ability of enjoying experiences fully, with so little effort and little resources.

We went to spa one day for a swim and sauna. It was quite nice there, an illusion of tropics was almost real, lots of jacuzzis, full sauna world, couple of restaurants. I paid attention to some middle aged and elderly people there: how thoroughly fed up they seemed to be in contrast to the joy and excitement children showed. What a pity: thye were people who seemed to have more money than they needed (can afford a 100€ bottle of champaign any time, dine at finest restaurants, take a whole week of golfing) – but nothing really feels anything. Peope are in search of feelings, happiness, excitement – but never quite get there. And on the other hand: all the happiness can be found when you don´t expect it: back in Hyrynsalmi, we took some firewood, coffee and doughnuts, went to forest, made a fire and had nice little picnic there with so little effort – how excited girls were. Money can not buy that. That´s the trap we put ourselves in: in search of happiness, we develop an illusion it can be gained by money but it can not.

I don´t despise money, though. I like to be able to live without worrying every cent I spend. I also notice that the older I get, money gets a bigger role in my life and that I am not pleased with. I don´t want to live my life and search for happiness with a calculator at hand.

Some religion-salesmen sell their product by promising happiness to the believers – easy and trouble-free life, certainty and definite answers, and so on. I would not buy that. I rather stay in silence and wonder before God than ask anything - nor prepare any answers - this is because God has become a mystery rather than an open book to read, and some of the problems I have had in my life seem to be generated by faith, not solved by it! To me, the essence of faith is not what it gives to me – I don´t want to love gifts more than I love the Giver. Faith is rather a sword that pierces my heart – that is the shadow of faith. I have also mentioned how faith can also be seen as a space rather than e.g. a list of “do´s” and “don´t do´s”- what could be more wrong than that?! The trust and happiness that I, after all, find from the depths of my heart, grow from the convinction, that “eternal life… means a new quality of life, which is begun now and will be consummated in the future, which nothing – not even death – can destroy. Eternal life is about entering into a new quality of life here and now, in the full assurance that this new life will develop and grow.” (Alister McGrath; The Unknown God. Searching for Spiritual fulfilment, pg 108)

Malocclusion and permits (27.4.2007)

Yesterday I was at University to give an orientation class to Finnish exchange students who are heading to Africa during next academic year. They were not that many, Africa seems to require some special guts from people and it is not everyone´s piece of cake I suppose. However I was glad for those few who have chosen some African country instead of some other, more familiar or more likely option.

The least pleasant experience lately has been a dentist: I seem to have some malocclusion (check the dictionary!) which needs to be paid some attention to. Finally, since it may explain the muscle tension and I have at mornings. One of the nicest events this week has been the academic dinner which was arranged by theology students. Some of the jokes kept making me laugh even the next day.

This week has also witnessed some exciting and a bit stressful moments in terms of working permits. Lost papers, delays, wrong telephone numbers, and absent people all give their own special taste to events. But we are optimistic now – we must be, since we are supposed to be out of our house by the beginning of July.

Dollhouse News (23.4.2007)

As many of my friends know, I have developed a new hobby in the past year: dollhouses and miniatures. It is a natural continuation of my life-long handicrafts addiction. Not long time ago when I was sitting in a train, an acquaintance happened to walk past and noticed me stitching a detailed dollhouse carpet – and he commented: “Didn´t know you do this “old womens” stuff…” That was a good opportunity to educate him that miniatures are actually a serious hobby called tripitism!

So, yesterday night I did some internet shopping and bought the following: a grand piano, cutlery and crocery, saucepans, a full bathroom set etc. My principle is to make everything by myself – furniture, food, textiles, lampshades and so – however I have also learnt that certain things you just have to buy. If you are interested in seeing some photos, check http://www.freewebs.com/matinlahti

Wordplays (22.4.07)

People often complain that church/pastors don´t preach about important things. Why don´t you hear words such as sin, grace, salvation, redemption from the pulpit? Why don´t pastors´ say “Jesus is Lord” often enough? Vice versa, if you find someone who drops these key words once a while in a sermon, people seem content and pleased: finally someone, who is truly a spiritual person.

I am deeply bothered by this kind of wordplays. This is mostly because these words are meant, without exemption, for the insiders, the churchgoers themselves. They are meant for people who have grown into certain phraseology, which functions as a code language: this is my people talking, my world, my faith. Psychologically, it is about affirmation, I suppose: search for certainty and safety. However, it definitely sets the boundaries to the outer world, sharpens the contrast to “those outside us”. Even if “out there” were someone who would be vaguely interested in what people are teaching in churches, this kind of inside language almost certainly turns one off. You must be extremely persistent to be able to break through this code language.

Of course, we can not manage without words, if we want to explain something. Although I sometimes doubt whether “explanations” are the right method to convey information about something that can not be put into words. I am thinking of e.g. an experience of sacredness, that short moment when suddenly and totally unexpectedly the “other world” becomes intertwined into “this world”, when two realities are merged together for a second. That kind of experience reveals the limitations of language – and shows, how especially we Westerners are too bound by our intellect and rationalism when we try to understand spirituality. Our approach most often is dominated by “the head”, which is the place of intellect, explanations, doctrine, knowledge, words and so on.

In a spiritual journey, we are given hints towards other “places” (or faculties) than “head” only, namely “heart” and “stomach”. Heart would be a place of emotions, feeling, charisma, and even extacy. I am, however, more drawn towards “stomach”, though, than “heart” – because I have learnt that if “head” has its limitations, also “heart” can become a problem – because it can turn out to be quite unreliable!

What is “stomach”, then? It is the dwelling place of soul, instinct, mystery, the “unexplainable”. It is the way of “watching with the third eye” (concept of Asian theology), by which you can see the invisible. It is the place of silence, solitude, place where you are invited to spend time in seeing the mysteries of God. It is the way of contemplation and meditation, prayer without words. It is a place rather than “method” – a place where to step into, like you would step into garden in the expectation of meeting someone very important there.

Routines (20.4.07)

"Last time" is always rather hard: knowing that something is happening for the last time - especially if that "something" has had positive quality. I again have that feeling about various things, and mostly about things that have become daily/weekly routine. They are nothing very special, only my every-friday circuit training, or Pihla´s violin classes, or sorting out winter clothes. It is all about dismantling something that you have managed to put nicely together.

Routines are an interesting thing. You need them: routines can support life in a positive way, they can spare your energy, they make life safe for children. And same time, they can petrify life, they can become such a barrier that nothing new can break in. Our routines are about to fall apart again, which definitely means that something new is waiting at the doorstep. It is a fascinating, same time rather tiring thought. I am more and more aware of the fact that years have passed by since we first moved to Africa. I have lost the illusion of immortality ("what on earth could happen to us?!") - because anything can happen to anyone. Especially in Africa, where people generally seem to go through much harder, also much more joyful events than here.

Karibu! (19.4.2007)

Dear friends all over the world. This is an official opening of my blog - something I have planned to do for quite some time now. After a long and painful consideration, this will be in English only - sorry all my Finnish-only speaking friends and relatives.

As June is drawing near, our preparations for returning to Tanzania are getting more and more acute. Yesterday we agreed over renting out our house, vaccinations and medical check ups are on the way, Jyri is preparing for the last exams - and there is a pile of stuff in the bedroom conrner (such as materials for handicrafts, collection of nice Marimekko napkins, new handbag, camping gear etc) that is supposed to find its way to Tanzania at some point. Plus a collection of most needed books on hiv/aids, Africa, counseling at hospitals and schools, relationship counseling, gender and development issues, research methodology and so.

I also got involved in a minor car crash today... My fault, completely, I was reversing from a parking lot in town and so it happened, I hit another car which I just could not see crawling slowly behind and totally out of my sight, must have been that famous "dead corner" (second time in my entire life). It was not that bad, the other car was even older than mine and the driver, a nice old grandpa did not seem to be very upset.

Garden looks inviting today: even if we got some nasty cold rain earlier, sun is shining now and there is so much dead leaves from last autumn to be raked up - can´t wait to get out. Pihla seems unwell today, took a lengthy nap after school, did not have appetite and feels hot. And refuses to skip the schoolday tomorrow. Kaisli had a science exam today.