White Light 1.10.2007

White Light, 1.10.2007

When I wake up on Sunday mornings, I wake up into white light. Firstly, because on Sundays we can sleep in and day is already there when I open my eyes. Secondly, our bedroom is all white: white curtains, white carpets, white tablecloths, white mosquito net, white beddings. It is exactly as I want it to be. And when we have three large windows, nearly 7 meters of them altogether, you can´t stop the sunlight from pouring in with its all potential. Light and sun is never the same in Finland as it is here.

Sleeping in a white bedroom and waking up in a white light is not only what I want, but is also what I need. I am a notorious dreamer: my nightlife is often so wild, actionful, sometimes so dark that it gets nearly morbid, at times exhausting and awful – as if all my inner life is put on display in my nightly dreams. And of course this is excatly what it is – whatever happened the previous day, whatever problems I am having, whatever plans or happenings are there, I repeat or pre-live that all in my dreams. Nightmares – just name the genre, I know it.

I thirst for light. It seems only in Africa I can have it enough. When my inner world is dark, the outer world and all its light keeps me alive and breathing. Sometimes the rays of light come unexpectedly. One of those rare moments I experienced one day last week. I was busy and also to some extend burdened by the coming management team meeting, by my coming travel to Ilembula, not the mention sorting out the theft of our luggage in Dar es Salaam port. In one instant, I just felt huge happiness and gratitude for all this: that I can live here, work here, even sense the burden of work and all other problems that are so inevitable here. The short experience of light, lightness and gratitude was overwhelming and left me longing for more.